Elevator Hell
by SlaveofStrife
Summary: What do you get when you put 4 Turks in a dodgy lift late Friday night? Sheer panic, fist fights, a few tears, discussion of potted plants, extra pepperoni, and some saucy confessions? Well, possibly. Read and find out!
1. Between Floors

**Good day, precious readers! You've stumbled into my first **_**official**_** Turks fanfic. You know the drill: I don't own any of the characters. Doesn't mean I can't do nasty things to them.**

**Well, here goes – wish me luck, amigos! **

_**I. **__**Between Floors**_

'_Ping.'_

Soothing was the sound of the elevator doors sliding open, to the four tired members of the Turks, who stepped in after a hard days work. Admittedly, some of this little party had worked harder than others, but nevertheless, Reno, Rude, Tseng and Elena were glad to see the last of the 70th floor for the weekend. Friday evenings definitely brought a sense of relief to all employees (with the exception of the guards landed with monotonous graveyard shifts, patrolling the corridors and pressing little buttons on their monitors through the wee hours of the morning. They, on the other hand, were not quite so relieved).

As Tseng hit the ground floor button and the doors closed, his colleagues began to reflect lazily on the day's events.

"Can you believe they've fixed our coffee machine so all it churns out is Decaf?" Reno mused, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning against the elevator wall. "If it didn't already taste like shit, it certainly will now."

Rude raised an eyebrow from behind his dark sunglasses.

"Decaf's not bad."

"Yes it is, Rude," said Reno blandly. "I can't function on decaffeinated coffee. You know me; I need a bit of a kick to get me started."

Tseng snapped his briefcase shut and sighed sharply, drawing the attention of the three other Turks. He fixed Reno with a frustrated glare.

"Is that all your day amounted to?" he asked.

Reno gave an indignant cry. "No!" he answered, pausing for a moment. "I did, in fact, dedicate a good portion of it to trying to find _another_ coffee machine, on other floors. I searched the 48th, 49th, 50th, 64th – there's actually a good snack dispenser near the gym, I discovered. Heh. You whack it at the right moment and you get your money back, its awesome! – 65th, 6-"

"What about the report?" Tseng queried, clearly getting tetchy. "Or did your utter _astonishment_ at what was going on with the coffee machine prevent you performing even the most menial task?"

Reno smirked. "Ease on, boss – there are a lot of big words in that sentence for this time of night."

Tseng was far from being in the mood to deal with Reno's sarcastic quips, and was just about to retaliate when Elena spoke up.

"Sir?" she said, fumbling in her black shoulder bag. "Sir, I…I managed to write _something_ up. I mean, it's not very good, or anything…here."

She proudly produced a wad of papers, and handed them over with trembling hands.

A few moments of silence passed while Tseng flicked through her report. "Brilliant, Elena," he commented.

"Its not, really," Elena tittered, shyly tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "I-I didn't cover everything."

"No, no, it's incredibly thorough," insisted Tseng. He beamed at the blonde Turk. "I'm impressed. I'd like to run through it with you in further detail next week. Perhaps over lunch?"

Elena bit her lip and her cheeks flushed a brilliant red.

"Here we go…" muttered Reno with a roll of his eyes.

"It's a sad day," said Tseng, brandishing Elena's flawless report at Reno, "When a rookie can do a better job than someone who's been in the position for years."

Reno scuffed the carpet with the toe of his shoe as he cast around for something to say. He cocked his head at Rude in a spur-of-the-moment attempt to shift the focus of the conversation.

"He hasn't done anything, either."

Rude looked up innocently. "I have."

Reno sneered. "Sure you have. I saw you in your office today, on your laptop, ordering from ."

"Mother's birthday," grunted Rude, looking slightly uncomfortable, "Shut up." he added, as Reno snorted.

Tseng pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes in frustration. "Its Friday, it's late and I have a splitting headache," he said slowly. "I'm really not in the mood to deal with you two and your ridiculous excuses.."

Elena looked on, her young face knit with concern.

"I could always do some overtime, Sir," she blurted out suddenly. "If there's some extra work to be done, I-I would be _happy_ to put in a couple more hours, if you want?"

Tseng sighed heavily. "No, Elena, you've already done more than your share, I couldn't _possibly-_"

"Oh no Sir, I insist!"

"Just because you want to get into his pants…"

This had come out a little louder than Reno had anticipated.

Rude cleared his throat and turned away, trying to hide the fact that the corners of his mouth had twitched into a smile.

"What?!" Elena yelped, rounding on Reno, her eyes flashing dangerously.

Suddenly, the elevator juddered. Elena temporarily forgot her assault on Reno, as the four members of the Turks looked at each other in slight alarm.

"…can't be good," said Rude.

Another particularly violent jolt sent them all groping for support – Reno toppled into a leafy potted plant in the corner.

The lights flickered once, then twice, and then to their horror went out completely, plunging them into inky darkness penetrated only by the faint glow of the numbers on the control panel.

A grinding screech sounded from somewhere above them, initiating a wave of panic.

"Shit!"

"Oh god, oh god! Sir, it hasn't stopped, has it?"

"Someone press the 'open doors' button already!"

"Easier said than done, boss, can't see a bloody thing and I've got a branch sticking up my-"

"Rude, you're closest, you do it."

"…I can't move, someone's got my arm."

"Not me, Rude! I'm still stuck in the plant, yo!"

"Elena?"

"Sorry Rude! I thought you were – someone else!"

"Oh yeah, that's right Elena – take advantage of him when it's dark!"

"RENO!"

"Can we all stop yelling and just calm down?"

There was a collective "Sorry, Sir," from three different voices, and despite the horrible groaning sound the elevator was making, the Turks did manage to compose themselves for the moment.

"Let's not panic," continued Tseng. "I'm sure that-"

With an ominous and very final sounding 'clunk', the elevator dropped suddenly (causing Elena to shriek again), then stopped.

The atmosphere fell eerily silent, as the lights flickered back on again. The scene was somewhat different to when they had first gone off – Reno was clambering out of the corner, struggling to get out of the now half squashed and pitiful looking potted plant. Rude's dark sunglasses were askew on his nose. Elena, in her panic, had released him and had somehow managed to latch onto Tseng instead, her arms wrapped around his middle. Tseng raised an eyebrow at her and she gave an apologetic smile, stepping away.

"Well that's my excitement for the day," smirked Reno, yet looking a little shaken. He gazed up at the glowing floor number of '49' above the doors, waiting for action of some sort.

Nothing happened.

Rude moved over to press the ground floor button again.

Still nothing happened.

"Don't tell me," sighed Tseng, wearily. "We're not…are we?"

"Seems so," muttered Rude.

Reno leaned past Rude and hammered the control panel. Looking defeated when again, nothing happened, he flashed a tragic smile at the other Turks.

"Yep," he said. "We're stuck."


	2. Security Sucks

_**II. **__**Security Sucks**_

"Stuck!" shrilled Elena. "We can't be stuck!"

Reno absently kicked at the doors. "We're stuck alright."

Tseng groaned and brought his hands to his head, turning to face the back corner.

"No, no, no, this isn't happening," Elena grabbed at her hair and stared wildly around the elevator. "No, this is all a bad dream, a VERY bad dream!"

Reno threw her a slightly bemused look.

"What's up with you?"

"I don't like small spaces," gasped Elena. With her usually neat blonde hair now a tad frizzled, she was looking somewhat like a frightened chocobo. "Ever since I was little I've had nightmares about being trapped in enclosed spaces and not being able to get out!"

Reno looked around. "It's not _that_ small in here. I mean, it's not like we're going to run out of oxygen or anything. Look," he pointed at the potted plant he had crushed moments earlier. "We've still got that!"

Elena didn't seem very consoled by this: she glanced down at the drooping, wilted plant, an expression of sheer alarm crossing her face.

"Reno! You _killed_ our only source of air!" she exclaimed. "We're all going to be dead within the hour!"

While Elena lapsed into hyperventilation, Rude – who was usually, for the most part, emotionless – had also begun to look increasingly concerned.

"Don't tell me you're upset that I killed the plant too," asked Reno, dryly.

"…going to be wondering where I am…" muttered Rude, vaguely.

"Who is?" Reno was deeply intrigued. "You're meeting someone this late? _You?_ Rude, you party animal! And why didn't you tell me you'd got yourself a girl, yo!"

"I haven't."

Reno blinked. "Ahh, I see. Well, personally I didn't pick you of all people to swing 'that' way, but-"

"Already told you," interrupted Rude. "My mother's birthday. She's coming to visit. Have to pick her up at the station in…"

Rude glanced down at his watch.

"…5 minutes,"

"She could be waiting a while," said Tseng gravely. "Who knows when we'll be getting out of here."

"You know Rude," Reno started, with a grin. "I'm sorry, but…when I try to imagine your mother, all I can think of is you, in a dress, with a perm."

Rude slowly turned his head to look at Reno, and silenced him with a look that spoke for itself.

"Someone's bound to come," Elena gulped, now pacing back and forth in what little space there was. "If we just stay calm, and wait for a while, someone will notice that the lift isn't working. I mean, heh-" (she gave a nervous chuckle) "People use it all the time! R-right?"

"Its Friday night, Elena," said Tseng morbidly, raising his head. "Everyone has gone home."

Elena groaned in desperation. "What about the guards? They're still here, right? Oh! There must be a button or something you can press when this sort of thing happens!"

"There's a big red one here," commented Rude, looking at the control panel. "It says 'alarm'…"

"Press it!" hollered Elena.

Rude did as he was told. Almost instantly, a glaring red security light began to flash within the elevator, and a shrill whining sound rose up from seemingly all around them.

"It works!" cried Elena over the top of it. "Oh, thank goodness – the same alarm will be going off in the security headquarters, right? They'll have us out in no time!"

Tseng pressed his fingers to his temples, wincing at the intensity of the lights and the horrible noise of the alarm.

"They'd better hurry it up, then," he called.

---------------------------------------------------------

A good five minutes later, the alarm was still flashing, and there was no sign that anyone else had noticed it, other than the four current inhabitants of the lift. The combination of the ear-splitting siren and red flickering light was beginning to take its toll.

"Do you think anyone's coming?" shouted Reno.

"What?" yelled Elena, her hands over her ears.

"I said, do you _think_ anyone is _coming_?"

"How should I know!"

"What? Can't hear you!"

"I said HOW SHOULD I KNOW!"

A few more painful moments passed, frustration building and tempers rising.

"These security systems are stupid!" cried Reno, squinting up into the flashing light. "Imagine if we were in here _all weekend_, with THIS thing going!"

"Alright, that's it, I've had enough!"

Tseng had spoken, and he looked far from happy. "Can't we just shut it off?"

Elena gaped at him in horror.

"But – Sir! If we shut it off, they won't know we're here!"

"Either we stop it," Tseng shouted. "Or I go insane. Rude!"

Rude looked up, obediently.

"Do something! Anything!"

Rude nodded, and without much warning, kicked violently at the control panel with such force that the entire elevator shook. The whine of the alarm fizzled out into a low hum, the glaring red lights stopped flashing and the alarm button itself rather comically sprung off the control panel and bounced onto the floor.

The silence that followed was golden, and so appreciated that all four Turks let out simultaneous sighs of relief.

"Any longer and my ears were gonna start bleeding," said Reno, twitching. "Nice work, Rude. Although…" He peered down at the now slightly dented control panel, and the wires sticking out from where the button was now missing. "I think you broke it. They'll probably fine you for that, yo. You know what Shinra's like,"

Tseng slumped into a corner with a moan, his head resting on his knees.

Rude looked over. "You ok boss?"

"My headache's been upgraded to a category 2 migraine," mumbled Tseng from under his sleek black hair.

Elena had resumed looking distressed – the fact that Tseng was in agony joined her existing claustrophobia, and as a result she looked close to breaking point.

"It won't be long now, Sir," she said comfortingly, sitting down next to him. "The guards would have heard the alarm, so they'll be on their way soon!"

"You wanna bet?" chuckled Reno, now absently pressing random floor buttons. "They're probably playing 'Snap' or something instead,"

"_Why_ must you be so negative!"

"I'm only being realistic," said Reno, defiantly. He smirked. "Graveyard shift is one big coffee break for the guards, yo. They don't even watch their monitors…"

"Monitors!"

Elena had sprung to her feet. "That's it! There must be a security camera in here somewhere!"

Rude pointed up to the back corner above the potted plant. Sure enough, a small, high-tech camera was situated there, a tiny red light blinking on it as it apparently watched their every move.

Elena gazed up at their discovery in sheer happiness.

"Look!" she said, waving and gesturing frantically up at the camera. "Hello! Can you see us? We're TRAPPED!"

"Even if they're watching they won't be able to hear what we're saying," said Reno, scratching his head in thought. He clicked his fingers as an idea sprang to mind. "We need to make a sign!"

In one swift movement, he had grabbed a red marker out of his top pocket, swiped the first page of Elena's report from where it lay on the floor next to Tseng and scrawled the word "HELP" in big letters on the back.

Elena looked on, gaping, as Reno held it up to the camera, pointing at what he'd written.

"You just wrote on it!" she squeaked.

Reno glanced down at his handiwork. "Apparently so."

"Reno!" she snapped. "Do you realise what you've just scribbled on?!"

"Uh…" Reno raised an eyebrow. "Your gold-star worthy, ass-kissing, ticket to lunch with Tseng?"

Already being quite emotional over the whole situation, Elena promptly flew off the handle at this last comment, visibly swelling with rage, and letting out an angry shriek as she launched herself at Reno, punching him repeatedly in the arm.

"Ow! Ow! Ok! I'm sorry! Ow! JEEZ!"

"Of all – the people – I could have been – stuck – in a lift with – it HAD – to be YOU!"

"Don't think the camera works," said Rude calmly.

Elena froze, mid-punch, and Reno looked up from where he was cowering.

"Huh?"

Rude was looking up at the camera and frowning. He turned back to the others.

"Some moron's stuck a piece of gum over the lens."

As this depressing statement sank in, Elena gave an anguished sob. Tseng groaned. Surprisingly enough, though, Reno smiled. He looked up at the camera fondly.

"Actually… I think that was me."

Elena rounded on him, looking furious.

"You just ruin everything, don't you?!" she howled, punching him even harder.

"Hey! Don't blame me, there weren't any bins! There was nowhere else to stick it!" Reno protested, feebly trying to fend her off.

"Well _I_ could've told you where to stick it, that's for sure!" Elena retorted crossly.

Tseng looked up at Rude.

"I get the impression," he said, over the racket of Elena and Reno, "That you, me and the potted plant are the only sane beings in this godforsaken lift."

**

* * *

**

**D-chi – you must have read my mind about the skittles thing! Yup, I do have something planned concerning food…stay tuned ;)**

**Shiankra – Your name…it's awfully familiar. Do you hang around at the advent children forums, per chance?**

**Keep an eye on me,folks, there'll be more soon! **


	3. Incommunicado

**_III. Incommunicado_**

After Elena's rage had finally subsided (she had just begun to calm down when Reno made an impromptu comment on PMS, causing her to fly at him again with such ferocity that she had to be restrained by Rude) things had fallen considerably quiet in the elevator. Elena stood in one corner, crossly smoothing out her report, glaring every so often at Reno, who was on the opposite side, nursing an apparently bruised forearm.

"You sure do pack a punch," he commented.

Elena seethed. "_Don't_…talk to me. I've had enough."

"Its only gum, you could just scrape it off, if you're that desperate…"

"Reno," she said, firmly. "Just…shut…up."

Reno shrugged. "Only making a suggestion."

Elena seemed to decide that ignoring her red-headed colleague was her best bet, and she turned her attention to Tseng, who had gotten to his feet. "How are you feeling, Sir?"

"Well," he said, still holding his head. "Despite the circumstances…a little better. When I get out of here, I'm going to be making a strongly worded complaint to the head of security. That alarm is a health hazard."

"You could talk to them now," said Rude, unexpectedly. "There's an intercom here,"

"An INTERCOM!" Elena cried, immediately dashing over to Rude. "We're saved!"

"Wait a sec," said Reno, warily, looking over Rude's shoulder to the control panel. "This isn't gonna turn out to be another epileptic-fit inducing alarm, is it?"

Tseng strode forward to examine the intercom further. "That's a risk I'm willing to take," he said.

He held down the button, leaned down towards the speaker and proceeded to say, in an authoritative voice: "This is Tseng , Head of the Turks, speaking. My three colleagues and I are trapped in an elevator, between the 49th and 50th floor. Could you please send assistance?"

The Turks waited with bated breath as Tseng released the button. Silence.

"Maybe you need to say 'over and out'?" Reno whispered.

Tseng gave him a withering look. "Reno, we're not playing around with walkie-talkies, this is serious,"

A sudden blast of noise from the intercom announced a response: the sound of loud, thumping party music, mingling voices and the merry chinking of, what were unmistakably, wine glasses, came floating out of the speaker.

"Heeeey, someone there?" called a slightly slurring voice.

Tseng glanced around at the others, confused. He pressed the button again to reply.

"Yes, this is Tseng speaking," he articulated. "Did you receive my message?"

The intercom came back on, and they heard the same voice calling out drunkenly to some of the partiers in the background "Guys! The stripper's here!" which resulted in a wave of whoops and excited shrieks. Tseng blinked down at the intercom, as the voice continued on. "Yeah, c'mon up! The boys are getting desperate!"

"Look," snapped Tseng, angrily. "Have I reached the security office or not?"

This time he received no reply, only a dull crackle.

Elena leaned in and pressed the button. "Hello?" she called. "Hello! This is NOT a joke! We're stuck in here, we need help!"

"Great," said Tseng, throwing his arms up in dismay. "We're trapped in an elevator, and the security office – possibly our only hope – is throwing a wild party. Just great,"

"Sounds like they got booze, too," said Reno, sounding a little put out. "Were we invited?"

"Be glad that we weren't," said Tseng. "If they're all that pissed that they thought I was some kind of hooker…"

Reno smirked. "Aw, boss…you mean to tell us you _don't_ take any enjoyment in dancing around, scantily clad? _Someone_ in this elevator is gonna be disappointed, yo,"

"I don't want to know what you mean by that," said Tseng flatly, while Elena made a few angry squeaking noises in the background. "Look's like we'll have to call someone. Maybe Reeve is still here,"

Tseng began searching his pockets for his mobile. After having no luck, he frowned, and tried his briefcase. A look of exasperation crossed his face and he cursed.

"What's wrong, Sir?" asked Elena.

"My phone…" said Tseng. "It's still up in my office, on my desk! Anyone else got theirs?"

Elena whipped hers out from her jacket pocket. "I have! But…" her face fell. "The…battery is flat,"

Tseng shut his eyes and sighed.

"I'm sorry," Elena mumbled, dejectedly slipping it back into her pocket. "Rude?"

"…Broken," said Rude, with a very deliberate glance at Reno.

"I've said I was sorry!" exclaimed Reno. "I didn't know you were gonna leave it next to the paper shredder, did I? Man, that thing's got some power!"

"Have you got yours?" Tseng asked, jadedly.

"Yeah, I do, actually," said Reno, digging into his pocket and retrieving his flip phone. "And it should work, too, it's new,"

"The walls are thick, boss," said Rude. "We'll be lucky to get any reception."

"You're right," sighed Tseng, as Reno waved his phone around. "Shouldn't raise my hopes _too_ high,"

"Come on, let's not give in just yet!" said Elena, urgently. "Think positively! I don't want to be stuck in here any longer! This could be it – if we can get through to someone on Reno's phone, we could be out of here in seconds!"

"That's very motivational of you, Elena," said Tseng. "But with the luck we've had so far…"

"Yo guys!" said Reno excitedly, poised at an unusual angle, half standing on the potted plant, holding his mobile up into the corner. "If you do this, you get one bar of signal! Look!"

He pressed a button on his phone, switching the speaker on. The sweet sound of a dial tone was music to their ears.

Both Tseng and Elena's eyes lit up, and even Rude raised his eyebrows hopefully.

"Excellent," said Tseng. "Now, who are you going to call? Perhaps try Heidegger, he's usually here late, if not-"

"Uh…" Reno looked momentarily uneasy. "I said it was new, right…"

Tseng glanced from side to side. "Yes…and?"

"I haven't had the time to transfer my old contacts list," Reno replied, still balancing on the potted plant in the corner, "so…I only have one number on my speed dial."

Tseng pointed at him in an almost threatening manner.

"This is our only chance, Reno," he said, eyes narrowed. "Whoever they are_, just call them_!"

Reno shrugged. "Right," he said, pressing another button. "Worth a try, I guess..."

The phone began dialling.

Elena gave a nervous whimper, and only looked even more anxious when Tseng placed a calming hand on her shoulder.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, someone who sounded like a teenage boy in the midst of puberty answered:

"Midgar Pizza Palace, now delivering pizza 24/7, to your doorstep, this is Larry speaking. How can I help you?"

The sound of Tseng's palm hitting his forehead interrupted Reno as he was about to reply.

"You called the Pizza Palace?" he hissed.

Reno placed his hand over the receiver, looking slightly affronted. "Hey, they're pretty reliable!" he said. "I told you I only had one contact!"

He uncovered the receiver and continued on. "Larry, hi! Listen, I was wondering if you could help me. You see, this is kinda urgent. There's a group of us here, trapped in an elevator in the Shinra buil-"

"Uhh…" came Larry's breaking voice through the speaker phone. "I think you might have the wrong number,"

"No, no, I've got it right! You're our only hope, man, the security guards are having a party, they're all smashed and don't-"

"Dude, you're breaking up…did you say you wanted extra pepperoni?"

"No, I'm not making an order, I'm making a desperate plea for help, yo!" said Reno hurriedly, almost falling off the potted plant. "Can you call someone to come get us out?

"Right, right, so, hold up on the mushroom?"

"Yes. I mean, no! I do NOT want a pizza! Well, I do, but – hello? Hello!"

A sudden rush of static told them that Larry the pizza delivery boy, their last hope, had been cut off.

Reno looked at his phone.

"The signal's gone," he said, wincing.

Elena's eyes filled with tears, and Tseng covered his face with his hands.

"Bad luck," said Rude.

"Yeah," said Reno, stepping down from the plant, sadly. "And now I'm hungry, too."

**

* * *

Just wanted to thank you guys SO MUCH for all your fantastic comments – feels so great to know that people are getting at least some enjoyment out of this silly little fic! I daresay the Turks stole the show in AC. Those of you who are yet to see it – you'll love it, its amazing.**

**Arsenic – Thankyou very much! I'm so glad you like it. And yep, when you've got characters like the Turks, its always fun to use a lot of dialogue…they pretty much write the story for you. Thanks again!**

**D-chi – lmao at the 'pot plant' comment…I didn't even consider what kind of plant is could be! XD Though there are limited things one can do in an elevator, getting high was something I hadn't planned for the Turks in this story! I think its just some kind of fern. Lol. Tah for commenting again!**

**Desha – I am not worthy! Been a fan of your Turks fanfics for a while now, thanks so very much for reviewing! Sheesh, the pressure is on to impress, now!**

**Ookami Aya – Thanks for that advice! Yikes, I guess my grammar has really gone downhill since being on holidays from uni. My English tutor would probably have a fit, I bet I make all sorts of mistakes. Must keep an eye on that!**

**Shiankra – ahh, yes! Saw your comic – absolutely brilliant! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. **


	4. Minty Madness

**_IV. Minty Madness_**

It was time for the Turks to face facts: no one was coming.

Tseng let out a cold laugh, penetrating the silence that had fallen after Reno's failed phone call to a would-be rescuer.

"I really don't need this right now," he said, massaging his temples. "I really, really don't."

Reno shrugged. "If the signal comes back on my phone, I could try Larry again…"

"What, and order a side of garlic bread with our extra pepperoni pizza? I don't think so."

"Boss, I gotta insist you stop talking about food," said Reno, looking pained. "I'm starving over here!"

Rude looked at his watch, frowning. "Gone midnight," he commented.

This seemed to reignite Elena's panic. She flung herself suddenly against the doors, banging violently on them with her fists.

"Help! Please, someone! Can _anyone_ hear me?" she shrieked. "We're STUCK in here!"

"Save your voice," said Tseng, softly.

"But Sir-!"

"Its no use, Elena, we've tried everything we can. We might as well just sit and wait patiently,"

Elena looked on the verge of tears, slamming her back against the doors. "Wait? For how long?"

"Who knows…" said Tseng, gazing up at the ceiling. "An hour, 5 hours…perhaps all night?"

His words fell heavily. Spending the night in an elevator seemed incomprehensible, particularly to Elena, who slid down to the floor with a horrified expression on her face.

Rude gave an agitated sigh, folding his arms.

"Is your mother going to be all right?" Tseng asked him. "She'll still be waiting at the station…"

Rude shook his head. "Don't know," he said. "Midgar's not safe at night."

"Ahh, come on Rude, chin up," said Reno, nudging him playfully. "Sure, the train station's a haven for muggers and thieves, but I'm sure she can fend for herself! You must have inherited those muscles of yours from someone, eh?"

"…not her," said Rude. "She's old, and frail,"

"Oh…" Reno thought for a moment. "But I bet she's a fighter deep down, right?"

"She's got a weak heart,"

"Well…I'm sure she could still manage a roundhouse kick if the occasion called?"

"She's in a wheelchair,"

"Ah," said Reno weakly. "Then…guess you're right to worry. Carry on,"

"Thanks alot, pal,"

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No one spoke for a few moments. Tseng glared menacingly up at the unmoving number 49 above the doors. Elena – still looking horror-struck – now had her knees tucked under her chin and was rocking slightly. Rude stood with his head bowed, while Reno sidled over to the control panel, and began pressing buttons at random out of boredom.

A low rumbling sound broke the silence.

Elena's head snapped up. "Did anybody else hear that?" she asked, eyes wildly darting around the elevator.

"Yeah," laughed Reno, clearly finding it amusing. "That was my stomach,"

Elena slumped in disappointment. "Well, can you get it to shut up? I'm on edge enough as it is!"

"Hey, I told you I was hungry, yo!"

"So eat something," Elena spat.

Reno sighed. "Don't have anything." He turned out his pockets. "All I've got is 27 gil, a pharmacy coupon and…this…"

He mournfully produced a crumpled chocolate bar wrapper.

"Well don't look at me," Elena grumbled. "Even if I had anything, I wouldn't give it to you,"

Reno turned his attention to Tseng, pleadingly.

"Boss?"

Tseng patted his pockets, then shook his head. Reno leaned back against the wall with a sigh.

"I knew I should have bought something from the cafeteria, I just knew it. I'm gonna starve to death in here…"

So caught up in his own sorrow, he didn't notice Rude beginning to sort through his own pockets.

" – unless, of course, the plant over there is edible - "

"I have some mints," interjected Rude quietly.

" – or maybe I'll just have to go with my inner cannibal and – hang on, what did you say?"

Rude held up a small, empty looking packet of peppermints. "There's a few left," he said.

Reno's eyes glazed over happily, as they locked onto the packet Rude held.

"Y…you…you have…mints…?"

Rude looked at the packet, then back at Reno.

"Yes."

"Can…can I have one?"

Rude said nothing.

"Come on Rude, don't be a tease – give me one of your mints!"

Tseng, who had been watching the situation unfold, spoke up.

"Now, wait a minute," he said, eyes flickering towards the peppermints. "We don't know how long we're going to be in here. It could be all weekend for all we know-" (Elena let out a tiny whimper) "- how many are left, Rude?"

Rude peered inside the packet.

"…5," he replied.

"Right," said Tseng. "So to be fair, we should save them."

"What!" Reno exploded. "Look boss, I'm not kidding, I've _gotta_ have one, and that means _now_ – if I don't, I could faint or something!"

Tseng rolled his dark eyes.

"Reno, don't be ridiculous. I'd like for us all to approach this situation maturely, and like Turks. We're saving them for an emergency, and that's my final word."

"This IS an emergency!" Reno cried. "Rude, please, tell me you don't agree with him!"

Rude remained silent. He tightened his grip on the bag slightly.

Reno's eyes narrowed defiantly. "Well," he said. "Looks like I'll have to take them by force,"

None of the other Turks seemed to think Reno meant business by this statement, and didn't move. Reno, however, _did_ mean business:

Without much warning, he swiped at the packet. Rude – whose reflexes were rather good – instantly whipped it out of range. Reno casually paused a moment, feigning a look of disinterest, then made a grab for the packet again: much to Reno's annoyance, Rude this time held it high above his head. The shorter Turk tried desperately to reach it, leaping upwards and stretching as far as he could – alas, Rude was too tall, and the peppermints were far out of his reach.

Reno heaved an angry sigh, and seemed, at that moment, to decide that resorting to foul play was his only other option.

"Right, that's it!"

In one violent move, Reno had thrust his fist into Rude's stomach – Rude doubled over with a grunt, and Reno took this chance to hurl himself onto his back, knocking him to the floor, and bowling over the potted plant in the process.

"What in the name- !" was all Tseng could cry, backing away in fear of injury as an all-out brawl between Reno and Rude began on the floor in front of him, fists flying. Elena shrieked in alarm and scrambled over next to him, just in time, too, as Rude had accidentally lashed out in her direction, as he avoided another of Reno's blows. Reno pinned him to the ground with difficulty, and a triumphant grin spread across his face as he got his colleague into a headlock.

"Hand over the peppermints, Rude!" he panted, "And I promise I won't hurt you anymore!"

Reno's dominance was short lived as Rude's fist connected with his jaw in a swift uppercut. Reno gained his balance, looking a little dazed, and furiously struck back – Rude copped a punch square in the nose which knocked his sunglasses clean off his face, and while he was still reeling from it, Reno made another desperate attempt to seize the packet of peppermints with a crazed, predatory gleam in his eyes. Both Elena and Tseng tried to flatten themselves against the wall, looking on in horror while Reno went for Rude's throat in an effort to strangle him into submission.

"Stop it!" howled Elena, clinging to Tseng's arm. "Just stop it right now!"

"Boss, catch!" Rude instructed, holding Reno back by a handful of his fiery red hair (despite his cries of "Ow! JEEZ, Rude – not the hair!"). He blindly hurled the packet to Tseng, who caught it deftly.

The chaos instantly subsided – Rude's grasp on Reno's hair slackened, and the two Turks fell back against opposite walls of the elevator, looking defeated.

"Absolutely unbelievable," Tseng breathed. "I've seen my share of bickering over the years from you two, but this really does take the cake,"

"Cake?" Reno groaned feebly, gingerly touching his now rather swollen looking jaw.

"These have caused enough trouble," said Tseng, tucking the packet of peppermints inside his jacket. "I will have full control over them, as of now."

Rude looked slightly offended that he hadn't been consulted about what was to become of his mints, but he went unnoticed.

Reno stared longingly at Tseng's jacket, into which the mints had disappeared. "B-but Boss-"

"No," said Tseng firmly. "You're not having any, Reno; I don't like what they've done to you."

"Can- can I just have one to look at?"

"NO!"

Reno clenched his teeth, looking sulky. After a few moments, he offered his hand to Rude.

"Yo…uh…no hard feelings, pal," he said, wincing in pain.

"…Likewise," Rude muttered, shaking his hand while at the same time, trying to keep his head tilted back in order to stop his nose bleeding.

"Honestly," said Tseng, half laughing in utter disbelief at what he's just witnessed. He turned to Elena, hoping to find solace. "It's like being trapped in a lift with a bunch of children!"

Elena, however, wasn't really any exception – unable to take any more of the current situation, she suddenly and unashamedly burst into tears, crying heartily into Tseng's shoulder.

Tseng glanced down at Reno and Rude, sporting various injuries, then at Elena, bawling her eyes out, and looked quite like he might cry himself.

**

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Guys…I cannot thank you all enough for your reviews. You're the best, all of you!**

**Ardwynna Morrigu: Haha, yeah, I think I must have subconsciously been thinking of him when I invented the pizza boy. Thanks for reviewing!**

**Tabby: orgy! Oh, trust you to immediately think of that XD thanks for reviewing, darling!**

**Desha: I'm concerned for their sanity too. Its all downhill from here, I'm afraid! The peppermint fight has gotten the ball rolling. Thanks for reviewing, much appreciated!**

**Nando: Thanks for the kind words, love hearing from you (I've read your work...very, very good!)**

**D-chi: LOL...you know, I've been trying to find an official way to spell 'pot plant'/'potted plant'/whatever you want to call it, and there isn't one! Now I'm using a hyphen...the plant plays quite a big role, I'd hate to think I was spelling it wrongly! Thanks for reviewing, as always.**

**I do warn you all, this fics only going to get sillier…think you can handle it? Stay tuned! **


	5. Temperature Trouble

**_V. Temperature Trouble_**

Elena's distress had officially gone through the roof. Her sobs had turned to muffled wails as she cried helplessly into her boss' jacket.

"_Elena_," said Tseng imploringly, attempting to look comforting yet stern as he once again tried to pry her off. "Please, try to pull yourself together! This isn't a life threatening situation-"

"Ha!" said Reno suddenly, still clutching his cheek. "You'll have to eat your words there, boss, if I die of starvation in here,"

"No one is going to die!" said Tseng angrily, as Elena's wails intensified.

"How do you know?" asked Reno, "My hunger pains might get so intense that I have to eat Rude!"

"Reno, enough."

Tseng managed to detach Elena, who was gulping back tears and mopping her eyes with her sleeve. "Listen up, all of you. We've tried our best to send for help. We've had no luck, so all we can do is wait. We can either do this sensibly, or we can continue on arguing, crying, and getting upset – the latter isn't going to get us anywhere. So, we may as well begin to act with a little more decorum, and make this unpleasant experience slightly less so. Are we agreed?"

There was a general murmur of concurrence amongst the Turks, and a few shaky sniffles from Elena. Tseng thrust a handkerchief at her, which she took gratefully, smiling through her tears.

"So," repeated Tseng. "Decorum,"

"Say, Boss," said Reno, slowly. "Would there be a…reward…for good behaviour?"

"You aren't getting any peppermints, Reno. Give up,"

Reno scowled. Rude smirked as he reaffixed his sunglasses over a forming black-eye.

"I'm sorry," croaked Elena, dabbing at her tear-stained cheeks. "I'm sorry, Sir, I didn't mean to lose control…I must look so silly,"

Tseng gave a brisk, professional smile. "Don't worry yourself about it," he said.

Elena twisted the handkerchief in her hands, looking embarrassed. "You…probably think I'm too soft to be a Turk, now,"

"Nonsense,"

"Cheer up, Elena," said Reno, warmly. "He gave you his handkerchief as a love memento; I think that's something to be happy about!"

Elena chose to ignore Reno's last comment with a theatrical sniff, and busied herself by standing the potted plant back up again (which had been cruelly knocked over during the battle for the mints). She suddenly stopped, and gave an involuntary shiver.

"Is anybody else getting…cold?"

The other Turks paused to consider this.

"A bit," Rude confessed, "Supposed to be a cold night,"

"But we're inside!" Elena exclaimed. "In what is probably the most expensively insulated building in Midgar!"

"Buildings get cold at night," said Rude with a shrug, "If there's no heating on,"

"Well, where's the heating?"

Reno chuckled. "Rude probably killed it when he killed the alarm earlier on. Nice one, pal,"

Tseng looked up towards a vent near the security camera. He raised a hand in front of it, and his eyes widened.

"No wonder!" he cried, "The air conditioner's on!"

"I thought it was getting a bit too chilly in here!" said Elena, wrapping her arms around herself for warmth. "How do we turn it off?"

"Can't," said Rude bluntly. "Controls are in the control room."

"Oh, brilliant," said Elena, assuming a very moody expression.

No one spoke for a few moments, all now very much aware of the cool air blowing in from the vent above them.

"So," said Reno, as if his fate had been decided. "If starvation doesn't get us first, we'll freeze to death. And they'll find us in a few days time, all iced over like that man they dug up on the Great Glacier, and we'll be put on display in a museum somewhere, or sent to a lab to be poked and prodded and experimented on. Always knew I'd die in a truly unique sort of way…I can see my headstone now – 'Here Lies Reno: Tragically frozen to death in a heavily air-conditioned lift',"

"Look, did my little speech about behaving sensibly fall on deaf ears?" Tseng snapped. "This is not the end of the world, we'll…uh…"

He cast around for something to say.

"We'll just have to make our own warmth,"

A few moments of silence passed.

"Boss, I'm sorry, but that just sounds gross,"

"Reno -"

" – and decidedly kinky, yo,"

"Reno!"

"What?"

Tseng pinched the bridge of his nose frustration, looking suspiciously like his headache was making a comeback. "I only meant that maybe we should move around or something, keep active!"

Reno gazed around the elevator.

"There's uh…not much room," he said. "To run laps, or anything,"

Tseng sighed impatiently. "Well, I'm fresh out of ideas, then! Someone else think of something. But I'd like to state that no matter how cold I get, I am not huddling up with any of you,"

Elena – who had been about to suggest something along those lines – shut her mouth, looking a little deflated.

Rude reached into his pocket and withdrew a lighter.

"This might work," he said, flicking it on.

The little golden flame of hope issuing from its tip instantly drew everyone's attention.

"Nice thinking, Rude!" said Reno, mesmerized. "We can BURN something!"

"We're not burning anything," Tseng countered. He looked at the lighter thoughtfully. "However, if we keep that alight, it might just be enough to take the chill off the air,"

"Oh, excellent!" cried Elena, her teeth chattering. Within seconds she was kneeling next to Rude, desperately trying to warm her hands by the lighter. Tseng and Reno didn't wait long either before flocking to the newly discovered source of heat.

There was a slight awkwardness that followed, as all four Turks realised how utterly ridiculous they must have looked, huddled around a cigarette lighter with such eagerness that anyone who didn't know any better could have assumed they were trapped in the depths of an icy chasm somewhere.

Tseng cleared his throat, still trying to maintain a commanding air despite the stupidity of the situation.

"Right. Rude: you're under orders to, under no circumstances, _let go, _of the lighter switch. Understand?"

Rude paused.

"…what if the fluid runs out?"

"Well…we'll cross that bridge when we come to it," said Tseng. "And hopefully we won't."

"Hey," said Reno, with a grin. "Wouldn't it be funny if the security camera really _could_ see us, like this? Around our little campfire!"

"God forbid," muttered Tseng. "This isn't exactly a defining moment in my career with Shinra."

Elena shivered. "At least it's warm, Sir," she said. Glancing around at her colleagues, she gave a slightly sentimental smile. "This is quite nice actually, isn't it? It feels like we're at the Cosmo Candle,"

"Apart from the glaringly obvious fact," said Tseng, blandly, "that we're not in Cosmo Canyon…rather, an elevator, in Midgar-"

"-with a lighter," Reno chipped in.

"I know that," Elena replied, looking fondly at the little flickering flame before them. "But – how we're all together like this – I know I've been complaining, but really, it _is_ kind of nice to have some time together. To be stuck in here with friends, at least, makes it-"

"Touching, Elena, but I'll have to stop you there before I throw up," said Reno, turning up his collar to keep his neck warm, "because in a small space like this, it wouldn't be pretty, yo,"

"Oh, that's nice!" said Elena, hotly. "I was only trying to say something to lighten the mood!"

A miserable silence fell over the group, as they gazed into the lighter flame, trying to think warm thoughts, which wasn't really working – if there is anything worse than being uncomfortably cold, it is _noticing_ that one is uncomfortably cold, and knowing there is not a lot one can do about it.

Reno shifted slightly. "Think I'm sitting in dirt," he said, offhandedly.

"Spilled out of the plant, when you knocked it over," sighed Tseng. "Surprised you haven't caused any more damage, actually, after the time we've been in here…if the mess in your office is anything to go by. Your desk, for example-"

"I like to maintain a natural, healthy atmosphere!" Reno blurted out, defensively.

"Healthy is clean, fresh…not the beginnings of mould growing on the masking tape dispenser,"

"It has 'character'," argued Reno. "Don't you think so, Rude?"

Rude thought for a moment, looking at the lighter, then said "…my thumb is getting sore,"

"Don't you even think about letting go," said Tseng, the reflection of the light in his dark eyes gave them a slightly manic glint. "I don't know about anyone else, but I'm only getting colder. We need more heat,"

Reno narrowed his eyes. "So you were snooping around in my office, eh Boss?"

Tseng rolled his eyes.

"Believe me; I'm not interested in 'snooping around' in your office. I did, in fact, go in there to see if you'd finished with your report,"

Reno didn't seem to like the direction the conversation was travelling in.

"Ah. Right," he said. "Knew I was gonna get the lecture sooner or later, yo,"

"Reno, I'm not lecturing you, I'd just like to know when I can finally see it!"

"Soon!" Reno retaliated, with a confident grin. "I'd do it now, only my hands are too cold to hold a pen,"

Tseng picked up Elena's report (which still had the word 'Help' scribbled on the back page) and handed it over to him.

"You might as well take a look," he instructed, "While there's nothing else for us to do. Who knows, it might inspire you. Elena certainly knows how to write a decent paper,"

As Elena tried to hide the coy smile that had crept onto her deeply blushing face upon being once again complimented by Tseng, Reno carelessly thumbed through her report, looking a little disgruntled.

"Yeah, yeah…" he mumbled. "It's good, right? Must be, all I've heard since we've been in here is you raving about 'Elena's Brilliant Report'…sheesh…"

What Reno failed to realise was that the corner of 'Elena's Brilliant Report' was now dangling into the flame of Rude's lighter, and had in fact, ignited. The soft crackle of burning paper caught Elena's attention first. Her eyes widened, her jaw dropped, and she could only mouth wordlessly and gesture wildly for a moment or two, before she found her voice.

"Reno! My papers!" she screeched.

"Huh?"

"They're _BURNING_!"

Noticing this with an expression of horror, Reno flung the burning report onto the ground, which was not the wisest idea: the flames that had been gently licking at the corners of the paper suddenly engulfed the whole lot as well a section of the elevator carpet, with a swift '_whoom'._

"Ohh, _SHIT!"_

Needless to say, utter pandemonium broke out. All four Turks leapt to their feet in alarm, Elena screaming and Reno letting out a string of curse words that didn't seem to end.

"Don't panic, just DON'T panic!" Tseng shouted, staring wild eyed at the fire burning quite cheerfully in front of him on the elevator floor.

"Call the fire brigade!"

"We're in a LIFT, Reno! We can't even call Pizza Delivery, let alone the fire brigade!"

"Someone get some water!"

"Water? From where?"

"I dunno!"

The flames were surely growing higher.

"Oh my God, what do we _do?_"

"Is there a fire extinguisher anywhere?"

"Are you kidding? Even if there was it wouldn't work!"

"Has anyone looked? Properly?"

"There ISN'T one, Elena!"

"There's got to be one!"

"_There's NOT_!"

"We've got to smother it with something!"

Rude (who had felt it was time to disobey his orders and put out his lighter) hastily removed his jacket and, in one swift movement, threw it over the fire. The other Turks sprung into action, leaping onto the jacket, jumping and stamping on it in hope of extinguishing the blaze – thick, grey smoke billowing out from under it told them their work was done.

Reno, Rude, Tseng and Elena were left coughing and spluttering.

"Rude," Tseng croaked, leaning against the wall. "I swear: when we get out of here, you're getting a promotion,"

"I...can't...breathe!" Elena choked out, clutching at her chest and coughing. "We're all going to suffocate!"

Reno gasped for breath. "Don't worry," he wheezed. "It'll go out through the vent, or…"

He trailed off, squinting up through the haze of the smoke. "Hang on…"

The other Turks followed his gaze.

Above them was something they hadn't noticed before. It was a square white hatch, with hinges, and a lock.

However, the most striking thing about it was that it had two, very beautiful words printed on it:

'Emergency Exit'…

**

* * *

Dearest readers/reviewers: You all rock so much! Thanks a tonne for all your great reviews, it puts the biggest smile on my face to get such lovely feedback. I wish I had the time to thank you all personally, but this chapter's been long enough, so I'll give your precious eyes a rest. But I _will_ add a super special thankyou to you folks from ACF – tah very much for making the long trek from the forums just to see my silly fanfic!**

**Will be an update in the next few weeks, once my exams are out of the way. Til then, thanks again guys, please review**.


	6. The Hatch Fiasco

**_VI. The Hatch Fiasco_**

The four Turks stood silently gazing up at the escape hatch above them, gaping in awe.

"Has that…been there all along?" asked Elena, breathlessly. She was too taken with the prospect of finally getting out to be concerned with the fact that Reno had single-handedly burnt her report to a crisp.

"Well…I'm pretty sure it didn't just magically appear," said Reno, with a sardonic, lop-sided grin.

"Pity we didn't see it sooner," Rude remarked, picking up his smoking (and slightly singed looking) jacket from the floor, and dusting the soot from it. "Could have been out of here by now…"

"Funny, that," said Tseng, stepping over the smouldering remains of the fire. "Perhaps if we weren't so preoccupied with _arguing_ amongst ourselves and _setting fire to things _we would have noticed."

They continued staring up at the hatch, amazed.

"Though to be honest…" Tseng added, after a moment. "I didn't think we'd be in here that long that we'd have to find our own way out…"

Reno looked at him. "So – so you mean we're…?"

"Yes, I do," said Tseng, a note of steely determination in his voice. "I mean we're going up and out. I'm not hanging around in here anymore; it's driving me up the wall."

"Shouldn't we wait, boss?" asked Rude. "For help?"

"We've waited long enough. No one's coming,"

"Rude, you're tall," said Elena, pointing up to the hatch. "Can you reach it?"

Rude looked up, and shook his head.

"Too high."

"Here, stand on the plant!"

Elena hurriedly lugged the bedraggled looking potted fern over to the centre of the lift. Rude stepped up onto it, and gained enough height to be able to reach up and examine the bolt on the hatch.

"Well?" asked Tseng. "Can we open it?"

Rude heaved a sigh and stood down from the plant, heavily.

"It's padlocked,"

Needless to say, this statement brought the mood down somewhat.

Reno looked dumbfounded. Elena's eye twitched slightly, as her temper obviously began to rise again.

Tseng, meanwhile, laughed in a humourless manner.

"Of _course_ it is," he said, cynically. "It would be all too easy if it wasn't, right?"

"_Padlocked_?" exclaimed Elena, her voice rising to a high pitch. "Are you _sure_?"

Rude took a moment to look up at the hatch.

"Yes," he said.

"But – but – but it _can't_ be padlocked!" Elena cried.

"It is," said Rude. "Look."

"I knew an escape hatch was too good to be true," said Tseng, gravely.

Elena was not taking the news too well.

"Who in the world padlocks an emergency exit?" she demanded.

"Same people that installed that alarm," said Reno, grinning. "Probably thought it would be funny. Their idea of a joke, I guess…"

Elena swelled angrily.

"Well it's certainly not MY idea of a joke!" she exploded. Suffering some sort of brief and very intense tantrum, she kicked out in rage at the potted plant. Her foot either connected with an already weakened area, or she just kicked particularly hard, but the impact caused a large crack to appear in the ceramic pot, and it broke, soil spilling out over the elevator floor.

The remaining three Turks stared in shock at the result of Elena's sudden fit of violence. Elena seemed equally alarmed at what she'd done, and stepped back.

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! Sir, I didn't mean to break it!"

Tseng covered his face with his hands, shaking his head.

Reno looked genuinely upset.

"So the hatch is locked – you didn't have to take it out on the plant, yo…"

"I'm sorry!" cried Elena, getting a little hysterical as she kneeled down, trying to scoop some of the dirt back into the broken pot. "I didn't think it would break so easily, honest!"

"I think someone needs a little anger management-"

"Just – _don't­_ – Reno!" Elena warned, voice wavering with emotion.

For once, Reno didn't need telling twice.

"Can't reach the hatch now anyway," said Rude, looking up. "It's too high, without something to stand on,"

Tseng lowered his hands from his face.

"I will not be defeated by this." he said, steadily. "We're going to get out of here, and we're going to do so through the hatch. No padlock is going to keep me trapped in this nightmare any longer."

"Wh – what are you suggesting, Sir?" asked Elena.

Tseng stroked his chin in thought.

"I'm suggesting…we pick the lock. Who knows how?"

"I'm sorry Sir, I never learnt how!" said Elena, apologetically. "Oh, I _wish_ I could help, but…"

Reno raised his eyebrows. "You made it into the Turks and you don't know how to pick a lock? Jeez, I thought it was a prerequisite, yo…Rude – paperclip."

Rude delved into his pocket and after a few seconds, produced a paperclip.

Reno snatched it from him. "Leave it to a pro!"

Tseng beamed. "Excellent, Reno,"

"Its no use though, Sir," moaned Elena. "I broke the potted plant, we have nothing to stand on – the hatch is too high for any of us to reach!"

"Shinra" said Reno, chuckling as he attempted to bend the paperclip into a feasible shape with his teeth. "Everything's gotta be tall and _big_…d'you think-"

"If you make another one of your 'compensation' jokes about the President, Reno, I swear I'll hurt you," Tseng cut in. "Looks like this is going to be difficult…"

They stood around in silence for a while, contemplating the situation.

"Ooh, Sir!" said Elena, rather excitedly, "I just had a thought: maybe if someone stands on someone else's shoulders? We'd be able to reach it then!"

"Hmm…well…we have no other choice. Good thinking, Elena." His eyes scanned the group. "Rude's the strongest, if he could lift someone up…you'd be the lightest, Elena – although…you can't pick the lock…so…"

Reno triumphantly held up the now rather deformed paperclip. "Success, yo!"

Tseng turned to him. "Well done. Now, get on top of Rude,"

Reno looked staggered by this sudden demand. Rude just looked uncomfortable.

"What?"

"Wipe that stupid look off your face. Get on his shoulders, and pick the lock,"

Reno and Rude glanced at each other, not really knowing where to begin.

"How are we going to do this?" Rude mumbled.

"I'd ask you to bend over, but that would just sound…off," said Reno, wincing.

Tseng sighed sharply. "If we could ignore the childish innuendo, Reno, and just get on with it, that would be good."

Rude kneeled down and gestured to Reno, who placed the paper clip between his teeth, and clambered onto the bigger Turk's shoulders. Rude held Reno's ankles and rose to an awkward half standing position, forming a precarious looking two-person tower.

"Stop! That's high enough!" said Reno, flailing his arms in such a manner that Rude was thrown off balance. He stumbled sideways. Reno made a frantic grab for the hatch handle in order to stop himself from falling.

Tseng watched as the two of them teetered hopelessly from side to side.

"Knew this wouldn't be easy…" he said to himself, more than anyone else.

"Jeez, Rude! Just stop moving around so much, yo!"

"…sorry."

"Yeah, well, I'm trying to work here, you know! Stay _still_!"

Rude managed to regain his balance, yet still looking incredibly uncomfortable. Reno took the paperclip from between his teeth and carefully set to work on the lock.

Glad that there was new hope of freedom, Elena clasped her hands together and watched happily.

"This could be it," she said. "This could be our chance to get out, once and for all!"

Tseng looked considerably unconvinced. "I hope you're right," he said, folding his arms. "I don't think I could take any more setbacks."

A dreamy expression passed over Elena's face.

"The first thing I'm going to do when I get out of here," she said, wistfully, "is go home and make myself a cup of hot chocolate, and then have a nice, hot bath…what about you, Sir?"

"I'm going to kiss the ground," Tseng confessed. "Then storm into security and ruin their party,"

"You should probably steer clear of the party, boss. They might recognise your voice from the intercom, expect you to start stripping," Reno sniggered.

Tseng didn't find this funny. "I hardly think so," he said, coldly. "How's the lock coming along?"

"These things take time, yo," said Reno, delicately twisting the paperclip. "Hey Rude – you reckon your mum's still waiting at the train station?"

Rude could only grunt in reply, his knees trembling slightly under his colleague's weight.

"The poor lady…" Elena sighed. "I hope she's all right,"

"She'll be getting pretty cold out there," Reno continued. "Bet her old teeth are starting to chatter,"

"…she hasn't got any," Rude grumbled.

An awkward silence followed, in which Reno shook with silent laughter.

"I really hope I get to meet your old mum, pal," he said. "I have this hilarious image forming in my mind…"

"Don't be cruel, Reno!" Elena snapped, leaning up and thumping him hard in the arm. "Just pick the lock already!"

"Sheesh," said Reno, returning his gaze to the padlock. "Talk about 'the ever-changing moods of Elena',"

Elena made an angry noise and got ready to hit him again, but Tseng interrupted, holding up a hand to silence her.

"We're all tired, angry and totally fed up with each other," he said, despairingly, "just hurry it up, Reno, so we can all go home,"

Reno stuck his tongue out in concentration and gave the paperclip one final jiggle. A satisfying click resonated around the elevator.

The redhead looked down to them, smiling proudly, and dangling the successfully picked padlock in front of them as proof.

"Got it,"

Tseng's face relaxed. "Good work," he said, "Now, let's see what's out there. Open it up, Reno."

Reno undid the bolt and flung the trapdoor open. His head disappeared out of the hatch as he leaned upwards to get a better look. Tseng and Elena waited. Rude broke out into a sweat, swaying slightly.

"Yo…boss?" Reno called after a moment or two, his voice echoing in the elevator chute above them. "What if I said that…_maybe_ the hatch was locked for a reason?"

Tseng raised an eyebrow at Elena, whose ecstatic grin was fading fast.

"Don't be cryptic, Reno – elaborate, please,"

"Well," Reno's voice floated down to them, "there's kinda…nothing up here,"

"Nothing up there?" Elena cried. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean there's nothing up here!" Reno repeated. "It's all dark! All I can see is cables, cables and more cables…no doors, or hatches, or…anything,"

Tseng looked wrought with despair.

"Nothing?" he asked, quietly.

"Nope, not a – oh! Wait a second!" Reno called, excitedly. "Wait! There's a …oh, no, it's just another cable…"

Yet another wave of misery set in over the Turks, as they were once again, foiled in their plans of escaping.

"So," muttered Tseng, slumping down next to the broken potted plant. "They locked the hatch because, just like everything else it this lift, it was absolutely, utterly useless. Well…wasn't that…considerate of them."

Elena was wringing her hands.

"Maybe," she said, in a last-ditch effort to be helpful, "Maybe we can – climb up one of the cables?"

"Hey!" said Reno, his head still stuck through the trapdoor. "That might work! We could make a rope out of the fern, right, to get all of us up here – then use Rude's lighter to make some explosives, and blow a hole in the wall, and- "

However, Reno's harebrained suggestion never went any further. At that moment, Rude's strength finally failed him and his knees buckled, causing the both of them to come toppling down in a heap. They landed awkwardly, Rude face down on the floor, and Reno sprawled on top of him. The two groaned in unison. Elena winced and knelt down to help them up.

"Oh dear," she said, in a tiny voice. "Are…are you two ok?"

Reno feebly raised a hand and waved.

"Nothing broken, yo!" he groaned. "Rude?"

"Get off me,"

Elena turned to Tseng. "What did you expect to find up there, Sir?"

"I don't know," said Tseng, quietly. "Something. Anything. Either way, I suppose I was expecting too much. We really have lost all hope of getting out now,"

"Talk about an anticlimax," said Reno, painfully clambering off Rude's back. "What now?"

Tseng hesitated thoughtfully, and then seemed to make a decision.

"We sit here, very quietly and calmly." He gave a serene smile. "And if we can't do that…? I might just have to wring someone's neck,"

Reno, Rude and Elena exchanged very alarmed glances, and did as they were told.

**

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Haha, I'm aware that I'm really dragging this out…as agonising as it is, I do like to make the most out of a good Turk torture situation. Don't worry, the next chapter will definitely be the final one, I'll try my best to make it a goody…I have the feeling insanity is going to peak.**

**A few comments to reviewers!**

**Twilidra: One of Desha's works? Wow, now THAT'S a compliment and a half! And yeah, the plot was never intended to be too in depth…just an amusing idea I had on the train one afternoon! Thankyou very much for your review, I appreciate it!**

**Kei: falling for Rude? Haha! The guy does need some luvin', true, he's rather underrated! Glad you're enjoying it, thanks so much for the lovely review.**

**Desha: Thankyou again! Unfortunately, they're still stuck in the same location XD Not for much longer now, at least!**

**Z-sama: Rude on fire? Darn it, why didn't I think of that? You're so right, it could have worked! Haha, thanks so much for the review!**

**To the nutters from ACF (I mean that affectionately, of course) : Thanks guys! Even to you slackers who didn't review XD Yes, I'll find out who you are. Heh, nahh, I'm just honoured you bothered to read it in the first place!**

**You folks are the best, I hope you thought this chapter was ok, I suffered a bit of writers block smack bang in the middle, and it didn't help with all the end of year work to be done. I'd be very grateful if you all hung around to see this one to the end!**


	7. Keeping it Sane

**A/N: Hi all! I know I said this would be the last chapter, but I had too much to squeeze into just one, so I'll round it off at 8, instead. Those of you who were expecting this to be the end…sit tight, there's one more after this! 8 is a nicer number to finish at, anyway. Nearly there!

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**

**_VII. Keeping it Sane_**

The Turks felt utterly defeated.

No one knew for sure whether or not Tseng was serious when he had made his threat moments earlier, but neither Rude, Reno nor Elena wanted to risk provoking him any further, just in case. Talking was – for the moment – completely out of the question.

While Tseng himself teetered on the edge of a mental breakdown, the remaining Turks tried their best to be as quiet and nonchalant as possible. Elena had begun to sift through the charred remains of her report, in the distant hope that she might salvage something. Rude stood in the corner, looking generally unaffected by the whole situation, though every so often he spared his watch an anxious glance. Reno seemed to be having the most trouble keeping quiet, and had struck up a tuneless whistle to pass the time.

This continued on for several minutes. It was only when Reno's whistling reached new levels of annoyance (with complicated, curly, wavering notes) that Tseng gave a twitch. Elena noticed this, and panicked.

" Reno," she said, in a deathly whisper. "Stop that. Please."

It was a demand, rather than a request. Reno stopped, mid-whistle.

"Anyway," Elena added crossly. "I'm not talking to you."

"Huh?" Reno quirked an eyebrow at her. "And why's that, yo?"

Elena looked up, scowling and holding a handful of blackened ashes.

"Oh! _That_…" Reno exclaimed. "Yeah, sorry…"

Elena threw the ashes back onto the ground, her eyes not leaving Reno's as she glared hard at him. Reno shoved his hands into his pockets and averted his gaze.

"It was Rude's lighter, anyway," he said, offhandedly.

Rude's head snapped around at the mention of his name.

"_Rude_ hasn't done anything," said Elena crisply, as she got to her feet, dusting off her hands. "It's just you, it always is!"

Reno blinked.

"You've got a backup copy on your computer-"

"That's not the point, Reno!" Elena spat. "The point is that you did it to annoy me!"

"I did not."

"Yes you did!" cried Elena vehemently, the colour rising in her cheeks. "You're just on this lifelong mission to rub me up the wrong way!"

Reno chuckled.

"That's silly," he muttered. The smile instantly fell from his face when Elena rushed forwards and grabbed him by his shirt, knocking him backwards into the wall.

"I've had it," she growled coldly, her face very close to his. "I've just had enough! I never knew how irritating you could be until tonight! I swear, when we get out of here, I want nothing to do with you ever again!"

"Gonna be hard…we have adjacent offices," said Reno in jest, yet looking a bit concerned about Elena's white-knuckled grip on his collar. Something behind her caught his attention. "Uh…Boss?"

Elena released Reno and spun around. "Sir? Wh-what are you doing?"

Tseng had removed his tie and was fashioning it into a noose.

"I'm going to end my suffering," he said with a wan smile. "If I can just figure out where exactly to hang this from, I'll be all set."

The other Turks stared in disbelief at their boss, sincerely wondering if he'd finally cracked.

"Aw, c'mon boss, don't be like that!" said Reno. "You've got so much to live for, yo! Think about Elena! I don't think I could handle her if you topped yourself in here,"

" Reno! You insensitive jerk!" Elena hissed, elbowing him sharply in the ribs. "Can't you see he's upset?"

"Sir," Rude interjected, "Don't you think you're being a bit...extreme...?"

"No Rude, it really is that bad." Tseng stood up, looking miserably around the small amount of space they had. "Could you give me a leg up to the hatch? Perhaps it can serve some purpose after all, I'm sure I could tie this to the handle or something-"

Elena now looked positively alarmed at Tseng's sudden suicidal thoughts.

"Surely – surely you're not serious?" she asked, as Tseng placed the newly made noose around his neck.

"Elena," he said morosely. "I'm afraid it's my only other option. Either I end it all here and now, or go absolutely start raving mad. I honestly can't take another 5 minutes of this lunacy."

He gave the tie a sharp tug, and it tightened around his neck, causing a sharp intake of breath from Elena.

"Oh Sir, please – stop it! I'm sorry!" she begged. "I'll be less annoying, I promise! You're right - we've been in here too long, it's just getting to us, that's all!"

"He's not the only one losing it," said Reno, worriedly. "I'm so hungry I'm hallucinating."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Rude.

"No joke Rude," Reno moaned, falling against the wall, his hand to his head. "I'm looking at you but all I'm seeing is a triple fudge sundae!"

"Please, Sir!" continued Elena, pleadingly. "It won't be too much longer now. I'm sure we'll get out soon…just, please, don't do anything drastic! We need you! _I _need you!"

She dramatically fell to her knees and seized hold of her boss's leg.

Tseng thought for a moment, then sighed and loosened his tie somewhat.

"Oh, Sir!" Elena uttered thankfully, clutching his leg even tighter. "I knew you'd see sense! Death is not the answer!"

"No, it isn't. I can see that now," Tseng said, rationally. "My tie's not long enough, for a start. Even if it was, it probably wouldn't work anyway. Nothing does in here. In fact, I'm starting to think this is all one big conspiracy – you know, lock the Turks in a lift, see who cracks first. Heidegger's probably behind it. Always knew he had it in for us."

"You think so?" breathed Elena, noticing the confused look Tseng was giving her, and hastily losing her grasp on his thigh. "I suppose a set-up would make a lot of sense, wouldn't it? No one could be this unlucky, could they?"

"Well," Tseng continued, "Whatever the case, I'd like to keep my sanity in here. What we all need is a simple distraction from the situation, to keep our minds occupied until those clowns at security finally realise we're trapped. Reno, please stop that – hallucination or not, Rude's arm isn't edible. Any ideas?"

The group thought in silence for a moment.

Rude looked up.

"Charades?"

It was hard to tell whether their expressionless comrade was being sarcastic or not, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Yes, fine, that'll do," said Tseng, resignedly.

"Party games!" Elena cheered. "Excellent! We can have teams, and different rounds, and then vote for the overall winner!"

"And first prize is a peppermint!"

"Shut up, Reno." Tseng intervened.

"I'll go first, Sir!" Elena volunteered. "I've already thought of one!"

Reno, Rude and Tseng sat down as Elena took the Charade spotlight.

"1 word, 3 syllables," Tseng guessed (already looking bored), as Elena mimed the numbers respectively.

She nodded, and then proceeded to flap her arms.

The remaining Turks watched for a moment or two.

"So…are you gonna start or what?" asked Reno.

"I HAVE started, Reno! That was it!" Elena snapped. "Pay attention!"

"Jeez, I dunno, doesn't look much like anything, if you ask me," Reno mumbled.

Elena rolled her eyes and flapped more fervently.

"…Clinically insane," Rude suggested.

"Clinically insane has more than 3 syllables," Reno mused.

Elena huffed moodily, and began running in circles, still waving her arms up and down in a bird-like manner.

"Mayor Domino?"

Reno glanced at Rude, bemused. "Where'd you pull that one from, Rude?"

Rude pointed to Elena. "He does that when he's mad."

"Oh yeah!" said Reno, in realisation. "He does! Hey, were you there that day I reversed into his car? That was priceless…"

Elena stopped running and stomped her foot furiously, as Reno laughed heartily at the memory. She briefly mimed what looked like a beak and a feathery tail, and then returned to flapping her arms again, a pleading and frantic look on her face.

"Somebody having a heart attack," said Rude.

"Maybe…" said Reno, stroking his chin. "Maybe she's being herself, stuck in a lift!"

"…Perhaps,"

" 'Elena' _does _have 3 syllables, yo…"

Realising they were getting nowhere fast, Elena gave up.

"It was 'Chocobo', for crying out loud!" she fumed. "Sir, they aren't playing properly!"

"'Chocobo'?" repeated Reno, bewildered. "How that was a chocobo, I'll never know,"

"I'd like to see you do better," Elena snarled.

"Fine,"

The two exchanged places. Reno stood for a moment, deep in thought.

"Well?" Elena challenged. "YOU try to do 'Chocobo'!"

"I can't," Reno confessed. "I was gonna do Scarlet, but I just realised I don't have cleavage."

Elena dealt him a reproachful look. "Honestly," she muttered. "The point of charades is to get the word across to your audience in an interesting way! You could have used a rhyming word, for instance."

"Rhyming? I already thought of that, nothing rhymes with 'cleavage' or 'Corporate bitch', or-"

Tseng sensed that things were getting out of control again. He raised a hand to stop the current discussion.

"Perhaps we'd better forget this riveting session of Charades and try something else," he said.

"Spin-the-bottle?" Reno offered, after a few seconds.

Tseng thought on this for a moment. "Mm. Well, 1: lack of a bottle could prove to be a problem. And 2: …no."

"Why not, boss?"

"Because 'Spin-the-bottle' is something played by drunken idiots at company parties, not the four of us in a lift on the 49th floor,"

"Ah, true," said Reno, running a hand through his fiery hair. "I forgot about the kissing, too."

"Yes, well, funnily enough, Reno, that's what swayed my opinion in the first place," said Tseng, dryly. "I have no intention of kissing any of you."

Elena let out what was unmistakably a small sob. She feigned a light cough when she realised it had caused the other three Turks to look at her questioningly.

"There has _got_ to be something we can do," said Tseng, a note of desperation in his voice.

"'I Spy'?" Elena suggested, brightly.

Tseng sighed deeply. "Fine," he said, through gritted teeth. "Rude, you start."

Rude sat solemnly for a moment or two, slowly turning his head as he surveyed the elevator through his dark shades.

"… 'B'," he said, simply.

Reno furrowed his brow in thought. "Boots?"

"No."

"Buttons?"

"…Yes."

Silence fell.

"That was kinda easy," Reno voiced, unnecessarily. "Rude, I don't think you're very good at this game."

Rude shrugged.

Reno began his own turn, ignoring Elena's cry of "That isn't very fair! You didn't even let me have a turn at guessing!"

"I Spy, with my little eye…something starting with 'E',"

"It's either Elena, elevator or extremely bored," said Tseng, flatly, his head buried in his hands. "I can see this getting very repetitive, very quickly. Maybe we can just-"

"Wrong, boss," Reno jeered, gesturing up towards the hatch. "I was actually thinking of 'emergency exit'! You're not that good at 'I Spy' either, yo."

Tseng was clearly struggling to control his temper. "Considering it didn't prove for us to be much of an 'exit', and certainly wasn't any help in an 'emergency' like this, I don't think it deserves its title. In fact, there will be no further discussion of the hatch; I've had enough of it. Next person to even mention it can consider themselves fired. Now if we must continue with this ridiculously childish game, could somebody please think up something a little more mentally challenging?"

"Hmm," said Elena, thoughtfully. "I know! I Spy, with my little eye…something…beginning with 'I'!"

This baffled both Reno and Rude. Rude gave in, and Reno began suggesting any object he could think of, regardless of whether or not it began with 'I'.

"Jeez…'I', huh…I dunno – door? Camera? Potted plant? There's nothing in here that starts with 'I'. I think you're making things up, Elena."

"No, I'm not. I just don't think you're trying hard enough," replied Elena, curtly, while looking very proud that she'd outwitted Reno.

Tseng seethed at the total monotony of the situation.

"Wouldn't be 'Intercom', would it?" he said impatiently, fiercely pointing to the intercom on the control panel.

Elena's face lit up. "Oh Sir!" she chirped. "You got it! Well done!"

"Well, it wasn't exactly mind-boggling," Tseng replied. "Although certainly more so than Rude's suggestion of 'Buttons', or…"

However, he trailed off, as the exact same intercom he had just revealed as the answer, gave a distinct and very definite crackle.

Reno, Rude, Tseng and Elena stopped, eyes wide, looking to one another.

"Anybody else hear that?"

"Shh!"

They sat perfectly still, listening intently. The intercom crackled again…except this time, there also came a voice:

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

**

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All will be revealed next chapter. So, stay tuned for the gripping (well...mildly so) conclusion of Elevator Hell!**


	8. Claustrophobic Confessions

**A/N – This chapter's QUITE a bit longer than the rest have been, so take plenty of breaks XD I considered splitting it in two, but it just wouldn't flow. I thought "Hey, my lovely readers can handle it!" **

**Don't worry, this is definitely the last...here goes!

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**_VIII. Claustrophobic Confessions_**

There was a mad scramble to get over to the intercom. During this moment of sheer panic, the already broken potted plant was trampled, Elena lost a shoe, and Rude copped another fist to the face, once again knocking his sunglasses flying – and this time, blackening his _other_ eye.

"YES! WE'RE HERE!" Tseng almost screamed, slamming down his fist onto the button next to the speaker. "Hello? HELLO! Oh _please, _for the love of all things holy, _please_ answer me!"

The Turks waited, still panting from the struggle, however; they received no answer. Tseng looked frantic. He hit the button again.

"We're in an ELEVATOR!" he said, feeling the mysterious voice might need some more information. "Between the 49th and 50th floors! We've been trapped here for ages! Please! Help us!"

Still, the Turks heard nothing as seconds of agonizing silence ticked by.

"Why aren't they replying?" Elena demanded, breathlessly.

Tseng pressed the button again with lacking energy.

"If anyone is there, anyone at all…" he pleaded. "Please, please answer me…"

When yet again the voice did not reply, all four Turks began to wonder if they had imagined it in the first place.

"I don't suppose," said Tseng pessimistically, "a 'mass hallucination' could have been possible?"

"Maybe?" Reno offered, wandering away from the intercom. "Unless this lift is haunted, or something,"

Tseng – who hadn't the heart to try again – rested his head against the control panel, looking crushed.

"Someone definitely spoke," said Elena, stamping her foot resolutely. "We couldn't all have imagined it! I'm sure of it! They said 'Hello' and asked if anyone was there!"

"Vague," said Rude, replacing his sunglasses again. "Could have been to anyone…not necessarily us."

Elena wasn't listening to Rude, or any sort of reasoning. "The guards may have finished their party!" she chattered nervously to herself. "That message was probably just to let us know they were on their way, I bet. That _must_ be it…"

As she trailed off, Reno smirked. "Or maybe they're just wondering where their stripper's gotten to?"

He turned to Tseng, who was still slumped over the intercom. "Try using your sultry voice, boss,"

"Shut…up,"

Reno shrugged innocently. "Hey, you might get a response!"

"They – they must know we're here, right?" asked Elena.

Rude sighed and shook his head.

"…right?" Elena repeated, weakly.

"I don't wanna rain on your parade…" Reno said to her. "But…if they were all so pissed earlier on that they either thought Tseng was a woman, or worse still, didn't care as long as he got naked, then I'd say the security guards don't really have a clue what's going on,"

Tseng raised his head and turned around to glower at him. "Would you please drop that?"

"What?"

"The stripper thing,"

Reno struggled to hide his smile.

"Yes boss."

"Well, I have faith!" said Elena, fretfully twisting her fingers together. "I'm not giving up, and I'm certainly not going to resort to being as depressing as you two!"

She pointed menacingly at Reno and Rude.

"Hey, I want out of here just as much as you," retorted Reno. "There's some left-over takeaway in my refrigerator at home, calling my name…"

The thought of leftover takeaway was too much for Reno; his eyes glazed over and he fell into a daze, muttering.

"Well: all we can do now is wait and see." said Elena. "Oh, I hope they aren't too long,"

"…don't hold your breath," muttered Rude.

Elena ignored him. She glanced around at the trail of destruction they had left, her hands on her hips.

"If we're going to be rescued," she said, decisively. "Then I think we should tidy the place up a bit,"

The phrase 'tidy up' snapped Reno out of his momentary trance.

"Tidy up? Elena…" he said, watching her tending to the broken potted plant. "You're such a…a…woman!"

"Well," said Elena, airily, as she picked up broken pieces of pottery. "I don't know about you, but I'd like to leave this place in a dignified manner. Right, Sir?"

Tseng didn't answer: he had begun to slowly and rhythmically bang his head on the wall in utter boredom and frustration.

"Sir?" she asked, testily.

"To be honest, Elena," sighed Tseng, between the heavy thuds of his forehead meeting with the wall, "I think 'dignified' went out the window the moment we stepped in here,"

Not wanting her boss to turn suicidal again (for Tseng's hand had snaked its way up to the noose around his neck), Elena returned her focus to the potted plant.

"We need some glue, or something," she said, slotting the broken pieces back into place. "Has anyone got any?"

Rude checked his pockets. After a moment or two, he took out a small roll of masking tape and offered it to Elena.

"Jeez Rude, is there anything you _don't_ carry around in your pockets?" Reno inquired, "Dunno why I even bothered asking you for a paperclip to pick the hatch lock – you probably have the actual key in there somewhere!"

"…like to be prepared," said Rude shortly, as Elena tore off several pieces of tape and began patching up the plant.

"There we go!" she said gleefully, wrapping the last strip of masking tape around the pot. The fern now looked shabbier and more wilted than ever, but Elena's makeshift restoration had done the trick in fixing the cracks.

"It needs a name," decided Reno, looking fondly at the plant, "Rude, you're a creative kinda guy, you think of one,"

Rude contemplated the potted plant for a moment.

"…Mr Fern," he said, in a deadpan voice.

Reno raised an eyebrow. "You kidding? That's way too formal."

"What about…Felix?" Elena piped up.

Reno mulled this over for a few seconds. "I like it!" he concluded. "Felix the Fern…"

Tseng suddenly began to chuckle, startling the other three Turks.

"This is ludicrous," he said, shaking his head. "Utter, utter ludicrous!"

Reno knelt down. "Don't worry, Felix," Reno told the wilting plant reassuringly, "He's laughing _with_ you, not _at_ you,"

"Why THIS elevator, with THESE people?" Tseng groaned, gesturing vaguely to Reno, Rude and Elena. "I think, at this stage, I'd rather be alone in the fiery mako pits of the Northern crater than stuck in here -"

"Think he's cracked, yo," Reno whispered to Elena, Rude and Felix.

"_I've_ cracked?" Tseng cried incredulously, his voice rising to an alarmingly high pitch. "You think _I've_ cracked? You three…are talking…to a plant! And you think _I've _cracked? Oh no, oh no, no, no – I'm perfectly sane! I'm going to get through this unscathed, unharmed, and when those doors open I'm going to skip happily through them like I've never been better!"

Tseng was looking less and less like the suave and professional leader that he usually was. It was clear that being in such a confined space with his three employees for such a length of time had finally broken through his cool exterior.

The other Turks regarded him a little worriedly as he began pacing like a caged animal.

"It's all a matter of keeping calm and finding a distraction,"

Reno grinned manically. "More party games?"

"NO!"

"What about Truth or dare?"

Tseng mouthed wordlessly, suppressing an outburst at this suggestion. "Truth…or dare? And how are we supposed to play that in here of all places?"

"Hey, I bet there's plenty of….er…daring things we can do in here, yo," said Reno weakly, yet looking unconvinced.

Tseng looked at him sarcastically. "Oh, sure," he said. "Like: 'Rude! I _daaaaare _you to prank call Midgar Pizza Palace again!' Or 'Elena, I _daaaare _you to press the button for Floor 13!' As much as I'd like to pass the time, I think I'd rather go back to ramming my head into the wall."

Elena looked fretful.

"Oh, Sir, let's at least give it a go. The 'Truth' part of it, anyway, it sounds harmless enough!" said Elena, sitting down. A dreamy look suddenly washed over her face. "It could be a good chance to help us get to know each other a little better…share some secrets…and things we've had bottled up…"

"What, like 'workplace crushes'?" asked Reno pointedly (which caused Elena's eyes to flicker towards Tseng), as he and Rude joined the little circle. "Could be interesting. I bet you all have loads of deep, dark secrets to spill. Felix, you start,"

Tseng rolled his eyes and tutted.

"Oh for goodness' sake – are you expecting him to answer?" He hesitated for a moment, realising what he'd said. "_It_," he corrected himself, furiously, "I mean _it_. Not _he. _It's a fern, for crying out loud, it doesn't have a gender."

"Go easy on him, boss, he's had a hard time in here," said Reno sympathetically, which only resulted in Tseng letting out a faint sob. "Come on, I'm just itching to know more about my fellow Turks. I bet at least someone in here still sleeps with a teddy bear, or cries at cheap, romantic films over chocolate-"

Rude gave a sudden and very pronounced cough. Reno rounded on him.

"That supposed to mean something, pal?"

As the corners of Rude's mouth twitched into a small smile, he simply said: "_Loveless_,"

Reno gaped, then, realising he was doing so, shut his mouth and struggled to look innocently curious.

"What about _Loveless_?"

"…The night Shinra personnel were given free tickets. We went along because the pub was closed. In the second act-"

Reno looked fleetingly alarmed.

"- Ok shut up Rude -"

"- when the lovers were saying goodbye at sunset -"

"- I don't wanna play this game anymore, yo -"

"- you were crying,"

The ringing silence that followed was interrupted by Reno's attempt at a casual laugh.

"Funny, Rude, you old comedian, you!" he said feebly, dealing Rude a friendly punch in the arm. "But the thing is, that isn't true, see, because uh, I wasn't even there, for that scene, yo…I was uh, out at the candy bar -"

Although Reno had proven in the past to be quite a decent liar, this particular instance wasn't doing him any justice.

"Aw, Reno!" Elena crooned, much to Reno's embarrassment. "You cried? You big softie!"

Colour had crept its way into Reno's cheeks.

"I – no I didn't." he stammered.

"You did," Rude continued. "You were trying to hide it – you sunk down in your seat so we couldn't see. Kept wiping your eyes."

Tseng had calmed down a little, and now looked quite bemused. "Is that right, Reno?"

"For your information," said Reno evenly. "I had some kind of allergy to the smoke machine, thankyou very much. My eyes kept watering,"

Elena gave a warm smile. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Reno," she said. "I think it's lovely that you can show your emotions. I didn't know you were so sensitive,"

This only agitated Reno even further.

"I hate you Rude," he hissed, balling his fists.

Rude looked unconcerned, and slightly amused. "…That's just the hunger talking," he concluded.

"Well," said Reno boldly, peering sideways at his bald colleague with vengeful gusto. "Since you've been so honest, pal, I might just have to return the favour and tell everyone about _your_ little secret, too,"

"What little secret?" asked Rude, flatly.

"Don't give me that look; you know perfectly well what I'm talking about."

Rude clearly didn't.

"Rude is a cross dresser – no, wait!" (Elena was emitting disgusted squeaks at Reno's announcement) "Hear me out, this is legit!"

Rude – proving it _was_ possibly to change his facial expression – looked quite bewildered by this sudden, confronting accusation.

"– I actually found a curly wig in his cupboard, and a pair of ladies high heels, and a frilly dress with way too many frills, it was scary, yo –"

"Oh _really_, Reno!" Elena exploded. "I think it's bad enough that you admit to sneaking around in other people's cupboards, let alone making up stories about what you found in them!"

"You think I'm lying? Ask him!" Reno pointed wildly at Rude. "I saw them with my own eyes! Rude is more twisted than he lets on!"

Rude was frowning and looking unsettled. He tried to speak but to no avail, which resulted in Reno grinning triumphantly.

"Go on Rude, answer the question! Do you or do you not own a pair of high heels?"

"…I do."

"You SEE! He admits it!

"They aren't really mine."

"Oh sure, that's what they all say!"

"They're my mother's."

"They all say that, too!"

"She can't wear them anymore…" said Rude, and he shifted uncomfortably before adding: "Not with her artificial leg."

Reno bit his lip.

"Just shut up, Reno, before you even start, just shut up," Tseng drawled. "Rude, I am sorry for Reno's manic accusations-"

"What about the wig?" Reno enquired suddenly. "I suppose you expect us to believe that's hers too?"

"She – hasn't got as much hair…as she used to have. Genetic…disorder,"

"So she's a bald, toothless, legless cripple with a dicky heart and a penchant for frilly dresses? Hoo boy, Rude – OW!"

Rude had threateningly grabbed Reno by his ponytail.

"Maybe I should tell everyone about the rotten elixir," he warned.

"Do and die, Rude," cried Reno as he tried to wrench free. "If that's the way you wanna play, I'll just have to spill the whole story about 'Mr Choccy'-"

"You wouldn't,"

"Oh, I would, pal!"

Tseng and Elena were looking completely baffled as to what Reno and Rude were arguing about.

"Will you two stop it? You're both being very immature!" Elena shouted. "Anyway, at least neither of you got drunk and danced around in your underwear at the New Years Eve company party-"

She gasped and clapped her hands to her mouth, wide-eyed. Obviously she hadn't meant to let the last sentence slip.

Reno and Rude froze. Tseng blinked.

"I mean…"

"What?" Reno asked. "Someone actually did that? Why don't I remember?"

Elena was blushing deeply, trying to avoid everyone's gaze.

"You and Rude had both passed out on the bar by that time, as – as far as I can recall," she stuttered. "Anyway, it's such a silly little thing, it isn't important,"

"I can't remember anything of the sort either," commented Tseng, frowning. "My memory of the whole evening is a bit fuzzy…enlighten us, Elena."

Elena looked more like she wanted to get out of the lift than ever. She made a few indescribable noises before giving in to the three sets of eyes all fixed expectantly on her.

"I'd only just joined the Turks," she said, with effort. "So I was sitting by myself, not drinking. Later in the night…things started to get…wild,"

She faltered.

"Go on, Elena,"

"Must I, Sir?"

Tseng nodded. Elena glanced around at the other Turks with a doom-laden expression, before continuing on.

"W-well, Sir…you and Palmer…well, you must have had a little too much…to drink, that is. Not that there's anything wrong, with that, of course…in most circumstances."

At this point, Tseng – looking purely mortified as he realised what Elena was getting at – put his head in his hands.

"Someone turned the music up and well…both of you…uh…I don't really want to say, but – but you were clearly in a very happy mood and…well…"

"What, Elena?" Reno asked slowly.

Elena looked to be having some sort of internal battle, trying her best to hold in the punch line of her story.

"Just say it!" Reno urged.

"Dropped-your-pants-and-danced-half-naked-on-a-table!" Elena blurted out.

Reno promptly doubled up in hysterical laughter. Even Rude chuckled.

Elena gasped, unable to believe what she'd just revealed. "Oh, Sir!" she cried. "Please, please don't be mad at me! I swear I haven't told anyone!"

Tseng did not surface – too humiliated to look at any of them, he kept his head bowed and his face covered by his hands.

"Why did no one tell me this?" he eventually asked, sounding muffled.

Elena looked beside herself.

"Well Sir, to be frank, I was trying to erase it from my mind!"

Tseng groaned through his hands. Elena desperately tried to comfort him. "Oh goodness, I'm so sorry, Sir!" she cried. "But – but no one else knows! At least…I don't think…"

"What about Palmer?" was the reply, and by his tone of voice, it sounded like Tseng was dreading the answer.

"I don't think so, Sir. I haven't heard him say anything since it…well, since it…happened."

For Reno, this was, by far the most amusing thing he'd heard for a long time. Elena glared at him contemptuously as he continued laughing.

"Did you hear that, Felix?" Reno howled, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Oh I wish I'd been sober enough to have witnessed this! Then again, Palmer in his underwear…that's some bad imagery there, yo,"

"How do you think I felt?" spluttered Elena.

"Depends who you had the better view of!"

"It's not funny, Reno!"

Tseng finally raised his head from his hands. He looked slightly sick.

"None of you are going to speak a single word of this to anyone," he breathed, then added in a mortified, trembling whisper, "_Especially _not Palmer!"

Reno collapsed sideways as his laughter redoubled, to which Tseng looked far from happy about.

"Yes boss," said Rude obediently.

"Your secret is safe with us, Sir," said Elena, giving him a dutiful salute. Tseng flinched.

"Please Elena. Could we not refer to it as a 'secret'? It makes the whole event sound so…crude,"

Reno gasped for breath. "Yeah, well, with all due respect, boss…dancing in your knickers with the fattest lard-ball in the company is just-"

"Yes, thankyou, Reno!" Tseng overrode him, "I don't need to be reminded!"

"Boy am I glad I'm not you," Reno choked, which was only salt to the wound for Tseng. "Its allright, I won't tell, I promise," he added, when he noticed the deathly glare his boss was giving him.

"I – I'm very, very sorry, Sir," Elena added, just in case she hadn't gotten the message across the first few times.

"What's revealed in the elevator, _stays _in the elevator," Reno chimed in, as he calmed down. "Like Rude's weird wardrobe contents,"

"Shut up," said Rude, then added, "cry baby,"

Reno bristled. "Allergies, Rude! Allergies!"

"No one's asked _me_ if I have any confessions to make," said Elena, suddenly.

Neither Tseng, Reno nor Rude spoke.

Elena took a deep breath.

"I actually have something very interesting to say. Something I've been keeping to myself ever since I joined the Turks…"

The blonde rookie was not the sort to house dirty secrets. She was, in fact, sickeningly clean cut. However, the remaining Turks were not overly interested in the build-up she was making, assuming her 'dirty secret' was probably something along the lines of wearing the same pair of socks two days in a row.

Yet...it wasn't.

"This may come as a shock," said Elena, dramatically, "But I, Elena…have feelings…for one of you. And I think it's high time I told you the truth. I think I should come out and say it to your face, instead of keeping my affection a secret,"

Elena didn't seem to be aware that her so called 'affection' was one of the most gossiped about topics in the upper floors of the Shinra building, and her 'secret crush' was probably not as secret as she thought it was.

Reno smirked, knowing full well what was coming. Rude raised his eyebrows, wondering how this news would go down. Tseng wasn't even listening, and was still looking humiliated from the company party story.

Elena plucked up the last of her courage, and she opened her mouth to finally reveal her heart's desire...

However, she never got the chance.

Just as she went to pour out her heart, the elevator gave a heavy jolt and the lights flickered out.

"What the - ?"

"What's going on?"

"Shit! No one panic! Felix, are you ok?"

"Shh! Be quiet, all of you…do you feel that?"

"What?"

The Turks fell silent as the lights came back on again. A juddering, rumbling had begun, and the same grinding screech that had halted the elevator in the first place sounded again from somewhere above them.

They waited.

And waited.

"Y'know, if this suddenly drops 50 floors, we're doomed, yo,"

"Oh be quiet, Reno!"

With another clunk, the elevator finally, after being jammed for a good few hours, started moving again.

Four bewildered, disbelieving Turks looked around at one another as the lift slowly travelled downwards.

"We're moving," said Elena, in a barely audible voice. "We're actually…moving…"

"More hallucinations," said Reno, doubtfully. "Right, Felix?"

"This is no hallucination, Reno," said Tseng, unable to hide the smile creeping across his face. He stood up, and the other Turks followed suit.

The lift stopped neatly at Floor 49, and the doors slid open with the same soothing _'Ping'_ as when they had closed.

They were free. For the Turks, elevator hell was finally over.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

One by one, they left the lift, in quite a different fashion to what they had entered in.

Elena was first. She staggered out (only wearing one shoe, for some reason), gulping back tears of happiness, hands manically grasping her messy blonde hair as she was consumed by waves of emotion.

Tseng tore off his makeshift noose. He proceeded to make good of his earlier passing comment, and – abandoning what was left of his pride – threw himself face down onto the marble floor and kissed it thankfully.

Reno was the next to exit, looking more dishevelled than usual and with Felix the ragged, and half dead potted plant tucked under his arm. Bruised, battered, and faint from hunger, the only thing on Reno's mind at that moment was whether or not there was a vending machine in sight.

Last was Rude, who hobbled out with two black eyes, an ash covered jacket and a slight limp from when Reno had landed on him during their attempt to escape through the hatch.

"Free!" croaked Elena, as Tseng got to his feet (finishing with the floor for the moment). "Oh, Sir, we're free!"

She flung her arms around her boss.

Tseng was too overjoyed at that moment to form any words, though it was also due to Elena crushing his lungs that he was having trouble speaking. Caught in the moment, he gratefully hugged her back, looking thoroughly relieved to be out.

Rude brushed himself off a bit, then looked to Reno. "You probably should leave Felix in the lift,"

"You kidding, Rude?" Reno exclaimed, hugging the plant closely to his chest. "After all we've been through? Screw Shinra, I'm taking him home!"

As they recovered from the initial shock of freedom, the Turks noticed that quite a party had assembled on the Floor 49 landing, and were all watching them in total puzzlement.

The group consisted mainly of security guards, the majority of which looked drunk. A few of them were still wearing party hats. One particular guard had even passed out, and was sprawled on the floor towards the back of the group. To the left was someone else: a gangly blonde teen with a small collection of facial zits, wearing a red and blue uniform, and a cap (from which underneath his rather large ears protruded). His shirt bore the "Midgar Pizza Palace" logo, and below that there was a nametag reading "Larry". He was holding a greasy pizza box, looking a little out of place and uncomfortable.

However, by far the most interesting member of the little crowd was revealed when two security guards moved aside to let him through. President Rufus Shinra himself stood there, wearing a maroon crushed velvet dressing gown and a supremely unimpressed expression on his face. He also had a slight case of bed hair, and anyone who knew Rufus, knew that above all else, he did not like to be disturbed from his sleep.

The term 'Oh, _shit_,' ran simultaneously through all four Turks' minds.

"This is it?" Rufus asked coolly, as the Turks hastily saluted him. "The big panic that got me out of bed was all because of…_you_ four?"

Tseng cleared his throat and tried to look dignified. "Mr President, Sir," he began, "We were on our way out, when the elevator jammed. For what reason, I can't be certain, but – we found ourselves trapped and have been there for _quite _some time,"

Rufus did not look particularly interested. "I see," he said shortly.

"Larry?" Reno suddenly exclaimed, noticing the Pizza boy. "What are you doing here?"

Larry held up his hand defensively. "Dude, I'm just trying to find out who ordered this pizza! We got a phone call for an extra pepperoni, no mushroom, right? Some of the message, uh, didn't make a whole lot of sense, but we traced it back to this building…"

"That was us!" said Reno, looking eagerly at the box that Larry held. "Well, we weren't trying to order, we were trying to get out, but – damn, that smells good. How much do I owe you Larry? I've only got 27 gil here somewhere…"

"Not now, Reno," said Tseng quietly, as Reno ferreted around in his pockets for his stash of money. "Mr President, I can't tell you how sorry I am for this inconvenience,"

Rufus went to reply but Larry – having no respect for any authority, let alone the President – carried on with his own tale.

"So like, I got here, and it sounded like there was a party happening," Larry continued on in his scratchy adolescent voice, "So I thought 'Cool, I bet that's where the order came from' – because you know, people at parties order pizza, and stuff. So like I tried there. But I asked and no one there said they had even ordered a pizza! They _had _ordered a stripper, but were still waiting. So, like…"

"Fascinating," drawled Rufus, looking at Larry and the grease dripping from the pizza box in disgust. "Normally an incident like this would not be reason enough for me to intervene, but I was already up anyway, due to an unusual phone call I received. I found myself unable to sleep after that, as I was kept awake by the sound of _unauthorised goings-on_ a few floors below. Apparently, my elite guards chose, by their own will, to take some time away from their duties to have a party instead."

The guards looked guilt-stricken (the ones that were still considerably drunk just grinned stupidly).

"I decided to venture down to investigate, but found it odd that one of the elevators wasn't working. I brought it up with security when I interrupted their little get together. Seeing as the building had been left _unguarded_ for a good deal of the night-" (the guards flinched) "- anything could have happened. At first I suspected intruders. I ordered the more sober of the guards to try the intercom, in order to reach the broken elevator, but there were some technical difficulties…"

"Sir, the intercom was in perfect working order earlier in the night," Tseng said. "We tried to make contact, but we…couldn't seem to get the correct message across,"

Reno snorted, as if dying to make reference back to the stripper saga.

"Indeed," said Rufus lightly, "Between then, and the time I arrived, it seems that someone carelessly spilt some sort of alcoholic beverage all over the control panel, rendering the intercom nearly useless from the security department's end. Damaging Shinra property and equipment is an offence, as I'm sure you are aware, Tseng, and so the culprit has been dealt with accordingly,"

"Dealt with, Sir?"

"Fired,"

Considering the damage they themselves had caused that night, the Turks instantly shifted to block the President's view into the lift behind them.

"We did hear snippets of what sounded like a distress call, though," Rufus added. "It was hard to understand, but nevertheless, I decided there would be no harm in sending a maintenance team up to investigate the situation,"

He surveyed the Turks through narrowed eyes, taking in their rather ragged appearances. "Lucky I did."

"We can't thank you enough, Mr President, Sir!" Elena gushed, dabbing at her eyes.

Rufus Shinra was not familiar with emotion, and couldn't seem to fathom why Elena was crying. "You owe it all to the phone call I received," he said briskly. "If it hadn't woken me up in the first place, I wouldn't have known about all this-" (he gestured to the guards and Larry) "-and you would all still be trapped, I imagine."

The very thought caused Tseng to shudder.

"Sir, if you don't mind me asking," he started, "Who exactly was it that rang you so late? I wouldn't mind thanking them profusely,"

Rufus Shinra thought for a moment, and then shook his head.

"I'm not entirely sure. It was a wrong number. Some batty old woman waiting at the train station for her son, who was supposed to pick her up…"

Rufus chuckled coldly to himself, as Reno, Elena and Tseng slowly turned to look at Rude.

"She told me his name and everything, the daft old coot," the President continued. "I was, however, half asleep at the time, so I can't remember…I do recall it starting with 'R', though. How she wound up with _my _number, I'll never know. I must see about having it changed in the morning…"

"Sir, I have to leave," said Rude abruptly, saluting Tseng then taking off at high speed down a corridor.

"Dismissed!" called Tseng as Rude hared off.

"Fancy that, yo," chuckled Reno. "Rude's decrepit mother saves the day…"

Rufus looked puzzled. "What?"

"Nothing, Mr President,"

"Well, you'll excuse me if I don't hang around to hear your own enthralling take on tonight's events," Rufus replied, pushing his hair out of his face. "To be honest, I do not care. I do, however, hope that no one else interrupts me tonight, or there _will_ be hell to pay."

"Goodnight, Sir," said Tseng, as Rufus took his leave, and the guards dispersed. Larry was left, still holding the pizza, looking lost. He turned to Reno and handed it over.

"Dude, take it – no charge. I just wanna get out of here!"

Larry left Reno holding the oily pizza box. A look of total content and happiness spreading across the red head's features.

"It doesn't get much better than this, Felix," he stated.

A security guard with a rainbow party hat on stepped forward.

"Hey, er, the maintenance team say the elevator is fully operational now. If you wanna take it down to the bottom floor, you can."

Tseng took a moment to hold back the rush of profanities and insults that this suggestion provoked. He looked around at his employees – Elena with her frazzled blonde hair, still mopping tears from her eyes…Reno looking scruffier than ever, clutching the potted plant under his arm, a blissful expression on his face as he shoved a piece if pizza into his mouth. And the thought of Rude racing off to meet his mother, sporting various injuries and a slightly singed jacket.

Instead, Tseng simply smiled.

"Thankyou. But I think we'll take the stairs," he said, as he reached into his jacket pocket, "...mint, anyone?"

--Fin--

* * *

**A/N – I just want to extend a thankyou to ALL of you who have taken the time to read this fic over the last few months! You're the best, thankyou all so very much. You've been incredibly encouraging. **

**This ain't the last you've seen of me! I love seeing the Turks getting into sticky situations, and have had another idea brewing, while I've been writing this one. So, I may well be getting started on that soon…in the New Year, at least, after I've had a break.**

**It's been fun. Adios amigos...have a good Christmas, and for the love of god, avoid all elevators over the silly season! **

**20th December – if anyone happens to notice, I have majorly edited this last chapter, spiffing it up a bit, giving Rufus more depth, etc! I wasn't happy originally with how rushed some parts were, so hopefully its better now. Thankyou, lol. I'm done now.**


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